I’m starting a temp job today, and I’m terrified for several reasons.
First and foremost, I haven’t worked since September of last year. I’ve been spending my long unemployed days laying around doing a whole lot of nothing. I’m worried I won’t have the stamina to make it through an eight hour day, let alone an entire work week. And my brain fog is dense, will that affect my ability to work?
Starting new jobs is incredibly awkward, but I feel it is even more so when you already know your time there is limited. And this position is only for two weeks. Who hires anyone for only two weeks?! At least when you’re starting a permanent job, you’re an investment so people take the time to train you properly and get to know you. What the hell are they going to do with me knowing that my expiration date is already looming? At least they won’t give me anything incredibly important to do, I figure, so hopefully the work itself won’t be too challenging for my depressed consciousness to bear.
I wonder about the people I am going to meet. I have already rehearsed vague and cheerful answers to possible questions regarding myself and where I come from, but it’s hard to imagine pretending to be normal when I have literally been through hell and back. I currently feel like I have been hit by a ton of emotional bricks and am holding my feeble self together with scotch tape; and yet, here I am about to put on a suit and pretend to be enthusiastic, confident, and cheerful around a bunch of strangers.
It feels overwhelming and I’m already exhausted just thinking about it.
My anxiety is through the roof. While I have been desperate for work, now that I have some I’m actually dreading it. I don’t feel ready to go back – although I probably never will, so the sooner I do this the better.
Just to make everything more fun, I just started taking a new medication – lithium – which is notorious for causing fatigue. Who knows how my body will react to this new drug in its system but I will be at a new job when it happens so that’s cool.
I doubt this position will turn into something permanent. I doubt that I will actually enjoy the work. But, at least it’s getting me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. If I survive these next two weeks (and I will), then I will most likely feel stronger and better.
So that’s something.