As if I needed more grief in my life.
About two weeks ago, I had to put down my dog and best friend in the world Gracie.
She was my life. She came with me everywhere, did everything with me and was forever my companion. I talked to her all the time, and she was always there for me with cuddles when I needed her. I loved her with all of my heart, and now that heart is broken.
I wasn’t able to write about this until now because it was just too painful. And it still is; this pain I’m sure will never go away. But I know from experience that with time the pain dulls, and a scar begins to form over the wound that a loss like this creates.
She drove me crazy at times, but I loved her for it. She was the cutest girl in the world so I could never stay mad at her – in fact, I rarely ever got mad at her, maybe just a little bit annoyed sometimes. She was my angel, who stuck with me through my darkest days of heavy drinking and still throughout my path to sobriety.
I won’t go into the details about why or how she passed. That still is too much for me to write about. But I will tell you that my grief right now is nearly unbearable, and I’m not sure how exactly I’m surviving it. I cry every day. Her absence in my house is palpable, and I don’t know what to do with that. All I can do is pray, pray that she knows how much I love and miss her, and how much she meant to me.
I know that if I can survive this grief right now – at a time when I am already depressed due to unemployment and my insidious bipolar disorder – that I can survive anything. And I believe that I will survive. But it sure is hell won’t be easy.
There’s a wonderful author by the name of Jon Katz, who is passionate about dogs and writes about them frequently. In his book Going Home, he writes:
And I learned this: in our love for animals, in our compassion and empathy for one another, we are all one. We will all encounter the universal experience of loss and grief, one way or the other…grief is, in so many ways, the ultimate celebration of life, community, and love.
I can’t even look at pictures of her right now, because it hurts my heart too much. But here is one, just for this piece. I hope that one day I can look at it and smile.
RIP baby girl. I love you.